Wednesday, 10 September 2008

kneejerk

I have a confession to make.

The first thing I thought when I saw this was not "that's an appalling load of bollocks". That was the third thought.

The first thought was: "I'll bet I'd qualify for that. I didn't realise you could get it on the NHS. I wonder if I should ask my doctor..."

The second thought was: "Jesus H. Christ, what the hell am I even thinking?"

Then we got the one about the bollocks.

But it's amazing, really, how I can be thinking about recovery consciously so much of the time these days, and yet I see something like that and my kneejerk reaction is "OMG RLY?" Really? You could fix me? You could just cut me open and mess around and I'd be thinner?

If I thought it would really be that easy, I'm ashamed to say, I'd probably do it. That's hardly fat accepting, but, as I've mentioned before, I'm not all the way there yet. Intellectually, I'm sold. Emotionally, it's still a hard slog.

3 comments:

Liz Ashton said...

I've been there all day. It keeps going round and round my head.

It sucks and you're not alone.

Anonymous said...

Ughh.... I feel you. This woman that my husband works with went to Mexico (I'm in the US) and had one... I was 1) Super jealous, and 2) Contemplating it! My doctor would laugh at me if I even mentioned it here so I actually considered essentially a black market Lap Band.

Irrational much? And honestly, in my desperation, if I hadn't read about the horrors of WLS through the Fatosphere I may have actually done it. :(

~ Charlee (got rid of blogger account)

Maddie said...

liz ashton - It totally does suck. I think the thing is, it would never have occurred to me even to think about it if I had to pay for it. I don't have private health insurance, and it just wouldn't have been a blip on the radar. And then someone says "OMG FREE ON THE NHS IF YOU'RE OVER THIS FAT", and I'm like, "I AM OVER THAT FAT..." and suddenly it seems possible. I have to keep reminding myself just how unpleasant the side effects are, and the fact that the website says "you have to be willing to follow an extreme diet", which sounds pretty much like something I should not ever do.

What's scary, though, is that if the NHS are actually providing this, how long till people start judging fat people who choose not to get the surgery because, hey, they could've become effortlessly thin! Couldn't they? Argh.

Charlee - Yeah, it's kind of terrifying the way your mind goes when you see these things. I never considered it mostly because of financial pressures, but if it's on the NHS, there aren't any financial pressures (on me...), even if there'd be a waiting list. And suddenly it seems not insane. Which is ridiculous, because it still IS insane. I can't see how fundamentally altering my body like that would do anything other than make it permanently impossible for me to have a normal relationship with food. How could it? You have to go on a crazy extreme diet, even if there are physical limitations holding you back from bingeing. I would go insane. And I have to keep reminding myself that it is more important to me to actually learn to deal with food in a healthy way, and to care for myself in a healthy way, than it is to be thin. Most of the time it is, anyway.